Sweet Sunshine

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Today is my birthday. I’m 24. Aren’t we supposed to cherish those days? I have a normal fear of aging, but nothing to the extent where my birthdays are negative things. Usually I’m able to enjoy it no matter what. And although its only…9:15, today’s not looking so bright. I don’t even want to get into yesterday. I’ll just summarize it saying I assume my mother was out of Xanax. And today I am being forced to come home. Main reason being the darling girl who does my hair, and the fact that it would be fucking rude to cancel on her so last minute. Cool. Thanks mom.
Last night I had awful dreams about being back at work at Nordstrom *shiver* and lily was a mother fucking fire ball. So I moved her ass and just had a weird night.
Thank for for waking me up with 8 text messages Matt. But I’ll shut up like I’ve said I’m just thankful you talk to me. My mom sent me a text of a picture of a birthday cake, cute….UR STILLA BITCH. So now I’m working out, and I’m going to really cut it close on my time because I don’t give a fuck this is the most important part of my day so leave me alone and let me work out! It’s my birthday bitch! I guess I’m leaving at around 11:30, at the latest…. I have my hair appointment at 1. It takes about an hour and a half to get to my parents but of course it’s supposed to be storming today and then I have to drop my pup off with my mother before I go to the hair lady’s. That’s a good two or two and a half hours of awkward chatting about billshit of life, work, weather, and whatever else along with a burning scalp. Cool. Then right after that at 3:30 I have my dentist appointment. More bullshit talking. I don’t know these small towns just love to bullshit, even when I have shit in my mouth. That like what, a shitty 45 minute venture? So that puts me at… 4:15? Cool. Awkward “lets talk time” between my parents and I. It’s my birthday can we all just shut the fuck up and enjoy what’s at hand for once??? Because if we can’t do that that’s really fucking unfortunate. I haven’t taken my birth control all week (by accident) so I’m crying what is unfortunately just too easily. So don’t wreck this night for me, because you’ll ultimately be wrecking shit for yourselves. Oj god and then my grandmother has something for me…please dont get me wrong im not some awful person but she can be difficult for me to deal with and i have a feeling that im going to have to pinch the fuck out of myself the entire time. Later tonight maybe 6 or 7 I’m not sure my family and some family friends are going out to eat and then maybe birthday cake I don’t know I haven’t really cared enough to know what’s going on. Which I said, is fucking sad. I think my parents are hoping ill stay the weekend but uhm *cough* FUCK THAT. Ha, there is no way. I’m coming back to Dallas tomorrow afternoon after I sleep in as long as fucking possible. I hate being like this, I’m just in a really bad place and although they are helping me…they do it best from a distance.
I’ve been talking to Parker more and it’s been really really fucking nice. Like really, I’ve just realized I’ve got this awful vocabulary. But he’s all happy and easy to talk to. There’s some deep shit I’m not sure I would touch him with yet, but I’m not really looking for someone like that in my life right now so that’s fine. It’s just nice to be treated as the pretty sweet girl I really am. No jealousy, no awkward intense lust, just acting how it is. I’m not saying a relationship is going to come from this at all. But it would be nice if it did, I’m not going to lie about that. I just need a guy to treat me how I deserve to be treated, that would help my self confidence tremendously. I guess even just having a friend who treats me right would be nice. And FUCK I can’t lie it feels really fucking good to tell me how bad he fucked up when he left me in 2009. Oh that feels good. Sure, that means I “won” the break up, but whatever. What’s important to me is that I wasn’t crazy…that I in no way deserved that. And for “our” sake I guess it’s good he realizes that that was his fuck up. And yes a full 24 hours later and I still want to thug murder the bitch that hurt him.

They told me that tomorrow’s going to happen no matter what I do or say. I’m just going to have to live and hate it anyways.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

And here I go again, bursting my own little bubble. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel awful. And tomorrows my birthday. I’m supposed to go home and celebrate my birthday with family and friends. Now my pain is going to be public and known. Cool. How are they going to know I’m suffering? Because birthday girl is the only one who’s not showing up to her own party. I would rather eat my dogs vomit than see those people, the people that love and care about me. It’s twisted as fuck. I have no idea what happened. What triggered this? So I’ll go through my shitty days like my usual self, figure something out.
Yesterday, well I don’t remember much. I didn’t pay attention to much. I got up, worked out, and had an appointment with my psychiatrist at one. Immediately when I got there I remembered he’s not at his primary office at Tuesday and well fuck, yesterday was Tuesday. So I called and luckily we were able to do a short over the phone session. Nothing was really established or fixed, I didn’t really want to deal with him, I just didn’t want to straight up waste $150. I’m still on that evil abilify. And to tell you the truth I’m thinking about just straight up dropping that again. God getting rid of that felt SO GOOD. I can’t even describe like literally that has to be the heroin high. And I would shoot up on the daily if I got that feeling…. Even red flags went up with my new doctor when I told him how dramatically BETTER I got once I went off of abilify. How many times to do I have to scream to the universe, I DON’T NEED TO BE ON AN ANTI PSYCHOTIC!! So I got that damned appointment over with, took a nap, drank some margaritas, over ate, cool, and then went to sleep.
I’m sure over eating set me up for a bad day today but I don’t know what the trigger was. Honestly it could be something as minor as my father calling me THREE goddamned times this morning. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CALL ME THREE TIMES BEFORE TEN IN THE MORNING. LIKE SERIOUSLY, WAS ME NOT ANSWERING THE FIRST TIME A GOOD ENOUGH HINT THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO TALK OR OH NO MAYBE I WAS STILL FUCKING ASLEEP. So from that I bet you can assume that my conversation with him didn’t go over so well. I tried my hardest not to yell but CHRIST sometimes he just will NOT shut up. Just shut up. No. Stop. Talking. CHRIIIIST. And then I got some hi text from my mom and I called her and I guess she just woke up straight bitch which led me to tell her that I’m not coming home tomorrow. Usually work outs are good at calming me down but no I just can’t do it. I’m desperate to get my roots done and I was planning on doing that in Oklahoma along with getting my teeth cleaned and my roots are just dying. Ideally I could drive up there, get my hair done, then drive home, but my parents usually pay for that and I just feel like that would probably leave a bad taste in their mouths…yeah. Whatever I have extra time now I can just get it done here. Same goes for getting my teeth cleaned, it Dallas there’ve gotta be like a bajillion dentists here dying for my business. In other news I have that trip to LA in…. 16 days. And yeah I bought the trip insurance thank god so I’m canceling that shit. I’m not moving there, and right now is just NOT a good time for me and I don’t want to put that on my LA friend I would be staying with. So no. Not doing that shit.
TODAY….is going to be awful. Just straight up awful. I can already see it. And I’m gonna have to deal with tomorrow’s plans. Fuck. Me. Ugklhcsujbdh. CHRIST WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE STARING AT ME IM NOT SOME GODDAMNED PAINTING.
Oh right. InOTHER FUCKING news. Parker is in my good book now. That’s impressive it’s hard to get in there. I told him about his ex roommate almost raping me last summer. He told me that he never cheated on me. The girl he left me for manipulated him and broke him. And he regrets losing me. Sure that’s cool but I still just want to muddier that girl. With her fake whiny little problems. I don’t fight but if I saw her I would just mentally lose it and I would murder her ass. No amount of medications could hold me back from that. Maybe that triggered me to have a bad day today, I don’t know. But she took the sweetest guy ever and just broke him to the core. I’ve been broken to core and dragged to a deep level of hell by a man, no one knows the intense details of that. But the experience of that just absolutely makes me want to murder this girl. How dare you do such a thing to another person? Not just that but another wonderful person. I just might hate you more than the man that hurt me.

“Feel good. Give blood”

Pfft… Don’t weigh enough to give blood, feel even better.